Dom the imperfect Mom…

“It’s always harder on the momma…”

That’s what my boyfriend said.. and its fucked up ’cause since he said it is bouncing around in my fucking head… Naw what’s fucked up is that he had to walk into this…

Me sitting here, head in my hands crying wondering why the fuck this is…

Fucking harder on me I mean… I knew it was going to be hard… but sometimes it just seems like shit just piles on shit on top of shit on top of shit… and quite frankly I’m fucking tired of all of it…

I’m tired of going to doctors… I’m tired of them getting sick… I’m tired of having to have all the answers, and I’m tired of questioning it… I’m tired of wondering if I did something to fuck them up… then turn on the TV and see kids killing themselves… damn I’m tired of all the motherfucking pressure on me… couldn’t even get fucking cancer without the impossible expected of me… I wish I could say I wish I didn’t have to get that mastectomy.. but I would be lying if I didn’t admit it brought out the best of me…

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the nuclear waste they injected inside my body didnt make me stop and smell the trees… well I smelled the flowers and I smoked the trees….

as a matter of fact, the other day it was like a windy 70 degrees… I felt like me and my two minis needed to breathe… so we all went outside… and it was fucking weird because normally I stay inside… Because I told y’all I don’t trust nice days, but this day I said fuck it… i went against my ways… I decided to step out and take a walk with Grace… just look ….look at her face… I would’ve missed this if i stayed in that dark place…

Sometimes… peeps you gotta step out the box… sometimes the walls of that box makes  your blessings stop…

Isn’t that why said I was here? So should these rants be the only place I face my fear? How am I living if I never let a soul near?

Yea… I had to face it.. kids are inconvenient as fuck but i need to embrace it…. One day my love wont be enough and they’ll replace it.. and shit.. look at me… 27 addressing my mama through writing.. so  I know my turn will come… I need to face it…

I will always keep it real with mine no matter how hard it is… let me handle them…do what you want with your kids… I’ll never have a little fuck boy or weak bitch just a young king and queen with me… and call it what you want but they get me.. God knew to make me some babies that would fit me… those are my little soldiers, keep your little party of pity….

I mentioned my baby girl… but let me tell you about my son… He’s the definition of king.. though I may be biased… I need to tell you that he’s the ONE… The one mothers only dream about… the one singers sing songs about.. have a fucking poet sitting and writing it out.. he has his fucking mama sitting here talking out loud… I look at him and I see the pain of the world in his eyes… I look at him and see his daddys eyes… and then I see the pain of his daddys lies. But wait…he is too good for me… what will i do? Trust.. He’s realize it..

it’s 12:48… i wanted this fucking piece to be great…but its late as fuck and I’ve said enough…. But all i can think is how i didn’t know who his daddy was… just for a sec though… I was young… heartbroken and didnt give a fuck… my son will understand. he’s my first love….

I’ll tell him… “son.. he was always so mad about not being there in the very beginning… that he couldn’t bond with you and such…. but son i begged him to try.. it was hard but i did it.. for you… for love…. but baby… he never wanted to be around… and eventually i stopped keeping in touch…………….. understand i tried to fix it baby I……”

Oh shit.. maybe i said too  much…….

Fuck it though….

Cause we was all fucking though… the dude i was with was fucking some pretty bitch…. i read some texts talking bout what i thought was MY dick….. that was some bullshit.. 18 years old being faithful and shit… then my son daddy came in my job lookin good and shit..talking bout how his lil bitch was on some stupid shit.. staring at me saying i was cute and shit….. and then he bent me over for a few SECONDS and that was IT….

How the FUCK did i get pregnant… liter full of the other assholes nut in me and I NEVER got pregnant… but that time in the bathroom really was fucking it???

Think what you want of me Ive accepted this… spent nights in the dark on Facebook getting DISSED about how i didnt know who my babdaddy is…

I just couldnt believe it…. didnt wanna receive it… and even though cheating on that dangerous man probably saved my life in the long run… all my sons dad came with… i didnt need it..

I had enough drama… .the exposure of my men’s room minute romp did nothing but feed it……

but i was the hoe because i was carrying that fetus….. I dont even know how I got to this… but just just goes to show you… here’s a little reminder

As my love so correctly stated…..It’s Always Harder on the Mama ….