Survivor… as Fuck

Today… I let my tits hang out…and I took pics..


It was a 70 degree day, the warmest day that Metro Detroit has had in a long time. I spent longer than normal.. looking at shirts… hating my chest in every summer shirt that I own. I was down to about my fourth outfit that I just said FUCK IT…. FUCKITFUCKTHISFUCKITALL….

Today… May 13, 2017, the day before Mother’s Day 20 fucking 17… I said FUCK hiding…

Okay… let me take it back a little… so anyone reading this can truly understand the FUCK that I do NOT give anymore…

If you read my first post… you saw my battered boobs… I was trying to be all tough and BOLD… that’s what I wanted to be on my blog. I wanted to be this FACE and IMAGE for you guys… but in real life… I never showed these things.. I don’t embrace cleavage. Sometimes, I don’t let my man see my chest, I will get dressed in the closet. We will have sex and I will keep a shirt on, although we have been having sex for 2 years… and some days…. (I was really hesitant with this next one!) but.. yea  some days I was so low… there where whole fucking days I didn’t even look at my body in the mirror…

Picture that… Picture yourself not looking at your own naked ass body for a whole damn 24 hours… because the sight of what was done to you makes you tear up…(I don’t know I that is weird for anyone else… but that is weird for me!)

Anyways, as I prepared sadly for this beautiful day, and I dreaded looking for a shirt. There was nothing good. Everything just looked fucking stupid… so I thought.

I pulled this shirt out… and it was cute, covered my whole chest… but it was boring… and I knew it was boring…  it was safe but I didn’t want to be safe today. So I took it off… and I threw it at the wall and it landed on top the pile of at least 7 shirts that I had done the same thing with. This shirt kept speaking to me though. It was sitting on top of those shirts looking cute as fuck… so I picked it back up… and I put it back on… backwards. Then this happened….

I looked at myself in the mirror and for a brief second I thought that I might me sexy… I might be hot… if my boobs didn’t have these scars. I might be perfect if radiation didn’t fry the left side of my chest, making it all shriveled and black as fuck… I MIGHT…. The list went on. As soon as the thoughts circled my head… I knew that today I had to change my thinking…

So I did… and I wore that sexy ass shirt backwards. I accepted all the stares from people who looked at me and didn’t ask me anything… I was LOUD about my mastectomy today bitches because I HAD to be. I have to stop assuming that what happened to me makes me less sexy, and that I am inferior because of something I had no control over. Fuck society and their view of perfection because SOCIETY CANT EVEN HANDLE ME… SO FUCK IT AND ITS TWISTED ASS STATUS QUO…

I am TIRED of feeling like shit… life after cancer treatment is a SON OF A FUCKING BITCH… yea I said it… as if I haven’t been transparent enough… let me take it a step further… I have a message for ANY person that looks at these pretty ass photo shopped fake bitches online and picks themselves apart… STOP. Love yourself. Don’t shame yourself into a deep dark insecure hole. You are not alone… LISTEN….

Somedays I take 100 pictures… because 99 of them I looked abnormal. Some times I make every body movement and facial expression in the mirror because I don’t want to look ugly in the real world…you look through my pics and see that I am together.. and my makeup is perfect.. but i don’t post about the days that I don’t take a pic of me because on those days I couldn’t get my esteem off the floor. Sometimes I fight with my man because I feel that he deserves a woman that looks normal…and I cant believe he’s with me… Sometimes…. I am so fucked up…

Today… I said fuck all that.
Today I said I am just as great if not more great than any woman I cross paths with.. Today… I embraced my scars and embraced the stares of those who don’t understand…

I told every person who complemented my appearance something I did to get

if someone said something about my hair…I told them I got it after chemo

Today I was “Survivor As Fuck”…

And I am going to do everything in my power to embrace every scar.. out fucking loud…. Every DAMN day…. and its not to be sexy for anyone… its because I have to be okay with being unapologetic-ally me… and I cannot do that subtly…

18 thoughts on “Survivor… as Fuck

  1. 1Wise-Woman says:

    Your posts make me feel so strong! Like your strength is just coming right through your words, straight into my heart and lifting me up. I haven’t experienced cancer, but I do have scars, some internal, some external, and they all impact my self-esteem. I’m working so hard on letting myself be… without worry of what anyone else thinks. You help me with that goal, let your light shine, it’s helping me see the way out of the dark ❤


  2. A.One says:

    Im so happy to see the young woman you’ve become. Through everything life has thrown at you, not only did you come out of it… You ROCKED IT!!! I’m so proud of you. Im glad you’re finally letting people see the light that I had the honor of seeing all those years ago. #Winning


  3. Katya Evangeline says:

    I think you are beautiful and strong! I am glad you are finding your way to understanding how lovely you are. True beauty starts from within and it shines thru whether or not our outside is “perfect” (though none of us are perfect!)

    The older I get, I can look back and see how WRONG or harsh my opinion of myself was. Often I may have thought I was overweight (even in high school) and later I could look back and see that my perception was all wrong. Looking back I see myself and know that the lies I told myself made me not appreciate how cute I was and made me reject all the compliments!

    So treat yourself like a queen because you are one. Don’t let any foolish voices tell you otherwise- even yours!

    And honestly, our bodies change anyways so enjoy your young body while you have it! I am not saying our bodies aren’t beautiful later but they are different so you need to appreciate your body at whatever stage you are at. Time moves on so you will never have your 20’s body, 30’s body etc. again.

    Breasts change too, so enjoy and show off the ones you have now! The later ones you can show later!

    You are lovely and you rock!


    • BoldBeat&NipLESS says:

      Thank you so much!! You are so sweet! I’ve come so far from where I used to be. But I do have more to do and further to go. I appreciate your words they literally mean everything


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