#WritingForAFriend – Mamas boy

For the boy who lost his mother too soon….

They always tell me i was my Mama’s Boy… her everything… her favorite…

And though those words give me solace… back in ‘94 they didn’t mean shit…

I would do anything for just a day with her, an hour hell… even a minute.. Because even though in all these years i just don’t get it…

Why is this hole still here? Years of anger… failed relationships… therapists… rage…

Though I know that strength came from the never ending pain of losing my mother at such a weak, and inadequate age… it almost doesn’t seem real. Seems like a dark twisted tale… as if we are all actors, prancing on a fucked up stage…

But its real though.. The night they took you mama… though I can see clearer now i can’t seem to fucking heal though… the night they took you mama i thought never again would i feel LOVE… and I thank God for sending my heart back through my daughter… because mama it was getting real tough….

Sometimes in my dreams I can I can picture your smile… and mama I hope I’m making you smile right now… because I’m out here getting it the only way I know how… I just hope in all my fuck ups mama…that you can see past my flaws… no, i’m not perfect mama but I hope I make you proud…

I wish the last thing I could’ve heard you say was “I love you son”… anything but what I heard you say before he pulled out that gun. Because your voice was too beautiful for your last clear words to be “I’m not afraid to die.” Sometimes… even in my 30s I go back in time, and wonder if at 9 I could’ve saved your life…

But realistically, those thoughts are childish and i’m not longer that lost little boy. I’m a grown man… but I saw my mother… the love of my life get murdered… so you have to understand… I was still my mamas boy being told I’ll never see mama again… some call me heartless and its an understatement… but no one has ever understood this void… and i’m starting to believe no one can.

But I can’t dwell on what I don’t know.. because one thing is without a doubt true. I’ll make sure my daughter knows my every memory of you. Because my daughter deserved to know you mama… she deserved to be showered with your love.

Mama I know there was more for you to teach me… so many times in my life I wished you could reach me… just for a second… because I know if you could ma, I know you would… but deep down.. I also know whatever time we would have wouldn’t be enough…. So I guess my memories will just have to be enough….