Superhero Strength.

Yesterday i said “I love you” to my rapist… I know it’s unhealthy but I’m quite courageous sweetie and I promise you I can take it… we actually laugh together now… real shit I don’t even fake it.

I don’t know how… but I hate him, and i love him in the same half hour… and not to blow my head up… but to acknowledge grief and joy simultaneously… i know I possess a real superpower…

And it is all that ever saved me,  so I don’t know why people hate it… 

Happiness and sadness coexist… and daily my strength to cope is hit or miss… sometimes I write and I sound so strong but i really feel like a counterfeit…  

Lately I don’t know what has gotten into me, I have been with this guy feeling phenomenal and its only been about a week…. I felt like a raging adulterer at first, but now I finally see, that I really wasn’t shit to you, so I can accept it, then I can forget it…and like a cheetah I can finally be free… begging for a black heart to love me is the worst… that asshole never deserved me,,,

And what is so unnerving, is the speed you stopped loving me you was certainly something like lightning… you, sit there like you never even liked me, stone cold… dead…emotions never rising… its like you aren’t even hurting.. But fuck it and fuck you, the venom you’re injecting, trying to hurt me is only barely working….

It is what the hell it its, I am really truly past that… I met a man who met me on a monday. And my entire worth he never questioned, because my presence was the answer. And he remembers it daily it like a fast fact… meanwhile you are telling me how happy you are that I left… fuck boy…your such a class act.. you might feel feel mighty tough now… but let it sink in… I bet in 6 months you’re going to want my ass back… 

But it’s over and even if this new love dies, even if it fails. I am okay with knowing he never lied… and even if he did… I will still prevail. Because I am not bitter even though my heart has been through true hell… after fighting fucking cancer… dealing with leaving a man is more like an “oh well”

You told me I was nothing and don’t see how, I loved you when you were homeless and broke… should’ve left you with that fat cow..yea I am talking bout your ex call her up… tell her you’re finally free now… and watch how me and the next love elevate.. just watch us take a slow bow…

Yes, I will give love another try… I know it’s out there… even if I have to give it a shot and it fails with the next guy… love is so real and it’s something we all want, those who say they are content alone are living a damn lie… so excuse me for wanting to be flaunted by a man who adores me and would never make me cry…

Okay okay I have to stop.. I am sorry for the brief hiatus, I encountered a bit of a mind block. And mainly because my heart is literally broken, shattered to little bloody shards on the sidewalk… but then it’s repaired, renewed and ready for the next one in the same hour and minute mark on the damn clock. 

I purposely stand in front of a two way mirror, and on the other side of the glass is the entire fucking world, my secrets unclothed… foolishly I am stripped naked… showing my heart… and kind of selfishly… but almost definitely intentionally I sit here and tell you I have already moved on… that I am so dead from trying to love you, I am hungry, and ready for a new start… but before you call me disrespectful… or before you assume I have lost it… just don’t forget that one part… where I sat before you and asked for closure to move on… and even then you hated me.. so you just picked me further apart… 

Don’t be mad at how I have to treat this punching bag that’s beating in my chest… you can’t see how it is broken you only see the surface you don’t know the rest of it. I wish that I could just appreciate this beautiful man telling me that I am something like the best to him. While parallel to those pure and genuine new feelings… I could stop telling myself that my batter heart is merely too much for someone like him to choose to invest in it… 

It’s like my mentor said… some of us are smiling, and glowing and almost fully happy, pretty much living life…. yet next to it, almost touching it’s so close… but completely parallel, we are so undeniably empty… disappointed and depressed… it’s such an epiphany now that I sat down, and I will admit, such a real situation we all experience,hopefully someone can make sense of this piece, I feel that it’s such a huge mess… but I feel like I have clarity, so that’s all that matters I guess…