Exhale?

Inhale……. Take it all in….

 

All the bullshit.. All the work shit… this cancer shit… I am so sick of it… take in my feelings… take in my pain… take in my losses… take in those gains… take in the pros and cons… I can’t believe I saw my mom… she was so pretty… after everything… she still fucks with me… take in my rights… take in my wrongs… take in my doubt….

 

Now exhale…… let it all out……….

 

Why haven’t I been writing? I’ve been claiming I don’t have shit to write about…

 

But I guess I could touch on how much I hate coming to this stupid house…

This stupid house.. That I used to love… with this person… that I used to love…

 

Imagine that… coming home to a man… that you don’t even like… that you can’t even stand… I will never sign a lease with a guy again… because I never want to go through everyday… with a fake ass smile… forced to pretend…

 

Shit.. this feels good… although I may regret this later… it feels fucking great to see it in black white… my deepest regrets here on paper…

 

Lately… I have been dealing with the consequences of living my truth… the whiplash is shocking… but tolerable… because I am better… I have proof…

 

I could tell you the facts… but I’m better than that… this isn’t a movie, nor is this an act… I don’t give a fuck about anyone’s validation… don’t live through me… I’m no inspiration…

 

Unless you are inspired by a past of desperation… with so much need for acceptance… I used to be a peasant… always being pleasant to those so unpleasant… living life like I was happy… but i wasn’t even present… never again…

 

I haven’t been writing because I was afraid to release… but what started happening was I stopped having peace… and with no peace I started to lose sleep… I have been so lost in my shit… I’ve been knee deep…

 

So here I am… and here it is… there is goes and there it was… I think I am back on the right track…

 

Now I can sit here and focus on the now…

 

Okay here is goes…

I am writing this while laying on the floor by the door…

I locked it… because I don’t want it opened…

 

I don’t want my kids seeing their mother so sad and so broken…

 

Even if it’s only for a moment…

 

Because even a moment is way too long… these insecurities are supposed to be gone…

 

Something caused me to have a bit of a flashback… someone found the switch… they cut them on…

 

Fuck…

 

I tell myself to get up… I know I am being stupid… but yet I am still stuck…

 

Stuck… like a I am with my ex in this lease…

 

My thoughts are flying across my mind in circles… why won’t they leave?

 

I came on here to vent…. This was suppose to be a release…..

 

Inhale…..

 

Exhale?