#WritingForAFriend Deadbeat

 

I am not shit… let their mamas tell it…

 

I don’t have shit… let these bitter women tell it…

 

But I love my granny… so to her I always listen. And according her I need to live my life different…

 

And she’s right though…

 

‘Cause I have some babies that I know I need to see… I know you wonder how I sleep not seeing the seeds that came from me… but what you people don’t see is their bitch ass mamas keeping my kids from me…

 

Okay… Okay… I shouldn’t call them a bitch… but damn what should I do…I am tired of this shit… when I was younger I fucked up… this is something I cannot undo… and quite honestly it would be easy if I could undo these kids…

 

Day in and day out I feel like a disappointment to my son… because I wasn’t there for him from day one… and when I came into his life I didn’t want to be there then… I didn’t ask for this shit please try to understand. Eventually I came to my senses… and I take care of my little man…

 

But now I am not shit to my little girls… how can they grow up right if I am not in their world…

 

I tried to call her mama to see if I can see my kid… her fucking response was “Don’t call me… EAT A DICK”…. Shit…

 

It would be so easy to give up… but I know my kids need me… my babies need my love…So, I go downtown to stand before a judge… just to go broke and be told that all I do is not enough…

 

Look at it from my point of view… as a mother are you always perfect? Do you do all you have to do? Or are you just decent on the surface?

 

What if I took my kid because you cheated on me… and got mad and didn’t let you see them… because the relationship we had was no more… and no matter what you did to see your kids… I never opened the door…

 

Relationships go sour… but I should be able to be a dad… how could you not want our kid to have what we never had… Especially since you KNOW I never treated our kid bad… The never ending cycle of brokenness is so sad…

 

Now because of all this time that’s passed… I’m branded as a deadbeat… my children probably hate me… and if they don’t hate me now their moms will make sure they do later. Because no one gives a fuck about parenting if it’s only on paper. We all know that what truly matters is time. That’s why l fight for mine.

 

I fight so I can see them wake up in the morning… because this distance shit isn’t for me…

 

I fight so this title deadbeat can subside… because without them… I am truly dying inside.. that darkness that is in me is becoming harder to hide…

 

Don’t believe the hype… I’m sure there are men who really don’t give a shit… but trust me… I’m not that type… I know being absent isn’t right…

 

But lately it seems that there’s no ending in sight… I’ve been confiding my truths in strangers…

 

Just hoping that they can look past my mistakes… maybe they can shed some light…

 

Maybe I just need some fresh ears.. maybe they can give me some insight…

 

I talk to my angels everyday… I ask them to help me make all the wrong I’ve done right…

 

I am more than negligent… that deadbeat shit is not me…

 

But honestly I fear that I sat back too long… and that is all anyone will ever see..

 

9 thoughts on “#WritingForAFriend Deadbeat”

  4. Thuo Patrick Junior says:
    Reply

    Sweet! I have a friend. We all have a friend. That friend.

    The raw emotions in this piece speak of pain. They speak guilt and regrets. They speak penance and they ask for forgiveness.

    The words almost give a chane of heart. Nobody in my life ever presented a deadbeat case like this. Maybe I could forgive now. Or I could just go on hating.

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    • BoldBeat&NipLESS says:
      Reply

      Thank you for reading. This was eye opening for me too. My friend was so honest… like he shared everything so unforgivingly. I hope you can handle your heart. For your own sage. We are all human at the end of the day. I try to remind myself of that.

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  5. sunshinysa says:
    Reply

    My hurt hurts reading this.
    Sadly there are women like this out there.
    I read on Quora this morning about a man who lost his friend to suicide because of the actins of his ex wife. He was not a loser, he was not a bad dad. He just got tired and fed up. We all feel that way sometimes.
    Thank you for being the medium here.
    Your friend does not walk alone.
    There are many in his shoes.
    My own friend went through this, His daughter is now 12 and sees her Dad for the star he is.
    I send a hug.
    kavita
    Sunshiny South Africa

    Ps,
    Some women are good. I do feel ashamed sometimes when I read this…on behalf of other women.

    Like

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