Shit, its late… I meant to have this up earlier. Anyway, welcome back to my closet.
Flashback to wreckless 18 year old Domonique. Sure I wasn’t the worst… But Lord was I lost. I wasn’t raised in a shitty house… I was always told that I should think that I am pretty and I should think highly of myself. I used to blame how I felt about myself on my environment… I recently stopped blaming it on parenting, though of COURSE that plays some kind of factor in everything…
Now that I am a parent myself… I have to take accountability for my actions, for my hurt, for my downfalls… I have to sit here and admit that I simply just hated myself. What made it worse was that I could lie to others so well and make them believe that I had it all together… but I knew the truth. I knew that I couldn’t bare looking at my reflection. I knew that the men I was sleeping with at the time were not making me love myself more…
The day that I found out I was pregnant with my first child, it was unexpected. I guess in my mind… I didn’t think I could get pregnant… babies are beautiful, and I wasn’t, at least I did not think so.
Nonetheless here I was on this 15 minute break at work holding two pregnancy tests that confirmed that ugly people do in fact get pregnant.
No. I did not find even an ounce of clarity through that pregnancy test. That would be lame, and corny as fuck. I will also spare the details of my pregnancy. It was average and uneventful. I was in college pregnant and hating every second of it.
Finally July of 2008 comes and I give birth to a beautiful baby boy. He had a head full of hair and he was just perfect. Yet, I was scared shitless of him. I didn’t know how to love him. I didn’t know what to do with him.
My son and I when he was months old…
Years went by and after repeatedly I made the same mistakes, causing me to slide into a deep yet bearable depression. Having a child did not make me change. Not right away. Looking back I was still so angry at all the unresolved issues that I had. I was in dead end relationship after dead end relationship. I was lost and confused. I was dealing with unresolved problems and that undeniable hate that I carried with me up until last year.
If you are one of my long term followers you know about the sexual abuse that I spoke about on this site… (if not… catch up HERE). I was raising an entire child through my own personal, repressed trauma.
Fast forward to 25, I give birth to baby number two… my little girl. My bright and loving little princess. Whom a YEAR after having her I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
(My babies and I… I attempted to have us all match)
Basically more trauma…
There were so many times in my children’s life that I was not present… and it literally breaks my heart to admit it. I look at the pictures that were taken over the years and my smile hid sooo many broken hearts… when that camera turned off, so did my emotions some days…
Days before my first chemo… after I decided to cut me hair to prepare for what was to come
Currently I am embracing my children more and more… I have rediscovered myself and the first thing I needed to do was be present in their lives. And to love every moment of being their mom. Though the future is important…but it is more important to appreciate the present.
Christmas 2017… a happier and healthier us!
Where are you going with this Dom!! I have come here to say…
The skeletons in your closet will always be what can be used to hurt you if you ignore them, shine the light on your vulnerabilities and defeat them. Be unapologetically YOU… and make sure your intent is true…
I may not be perfect… but parenting through trauma didn’t make me a bad mama… but acknowledging my mistakes and owning my faults definitely makes me a better one!
Thank you for stopping through… Until next visit
2 thoughts on “Volume 2: Parenting Through Trauma… Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mama!”
I love this message! Thank you.
I can’t wait for the book!