When you repress your trauma to save your mama…

I always thought you were perfect… your skin, your eyes… your face… and even your lies…

I idolized your deceit… I was your keeper, shackled by an image even you never lived up to, I was always looking to be your favorite, graveling at your feet. But how could I compete with your need to have a man between your sheets?

Yea I said it… and yea you read it… if you thought this was going to be a nice piece mommy… forget it….

I blamed everything that happened on HIM…. but the abuser was you… as a mother you had all the power… i know that now… why would you let him take that from you?

Was it easier to watch him hit me? And  make all those sexually charged accusations… claiming to get me? Mom.. I was there before him… how could you forget me?

14…………………………… such a tender stupid age it’s been almost 15 years…. And i finally i am releasing my rage… all this had been bottled up… I don’t know how i am still alive……. But I finally decided saved myself… yea ma, i am ready to really survive…

But…… living a free life, comes with a bit of survivor’s remorse…., it makes my stomach turn that for 9 years I let that man be around my children… and I won’t lie I wasn’t forced. I was used to dealing with him… I was used to winning in the “fake happy family” olympics… and mom? You lit the torch…

You like to take shots at my character… when it is a lot like yours, which is why if you would just  listen to the facts… we could probably open so many closed doors

And then maybe can shut one… the one that houses all that shame. I should’ve never taken on the shame of a person that damaged me… dont worry i won’t say his name. Dont worry… i will never acknowledge him, or what happened again, this one is between me and you…. Stop trying to feed me excuses… maybe as a kid I wasn’t perfect but trust so much stemmed from the abuse… no every day was not rainy mom there was PLENTY of sunshine…It is just that I learned at a young age that I would come to your aid… the few times it really mattered, I  couldn’t count on you to come to mine… I wanted you to save me… and choose me first. But as a woman who had cancer at 26, and a mother who was too busy to really give a shit… it was traumatic, but i kinda was used to it… I just can not believe you wouldn’t help me because I was no longer a kid.

So, I repressed my trauma… to save you mama… to save you from the family drama… and for you not to even acknowledge what is without a doubt fact, my insides are hot with anger, I am my own personal sauna….

I look at my little girl, and I wonder if you ever really looked at me… and I feel that she deserves the world… I wonder if someone hurt my baby… I wonder what my reaction would be… I will never tell my daughter how much she burdens my life… I would never put my kids in a place to make tough ass decisions… and now thanks to you I am scared to be someone’s wife.  

When you repress something traumatic… to keep your family dynamic the results are devastating….

I didn’t want to make everyone hate me… and mom… you could still save me…

But if you don’t i will still be just fine….

I didn’t want to be a victim… I DON’T EVEN WANT TO EVEN CONVICT HIM…. at this point if authorities pressed me I would just lie…

I didn’t ask him to read my poems… so you really didn’t have to show him… Mom it wasn’t like I even said his name… I didn’t speak my truth, to get a response… but since he wanted to identify HIMSELF BY CALLING ME… he can share some of HIS shame..